Bullying and "Toxic" Masculinity

The problem of bullying has always of been of interest to me, ever since I was a tiny, scared child, often being threatened by my schoolmates. Growing up in small-town Louisiana, there were fights DAILY at school. The participants were sometimes voluntary and sometimes not. Fights always drew a cheering crowd, egging on the violence. Heck, we even had a race riot at one point!

Rarely do I hear stories like that here in Menomonie. Maybe bullying just looks different up here. Of course, when I was in school we didn’t have to worry about mass shootings either. Bullying is more personal but less dangerous (not counting related suicides.)

My three children have almost entirely been homeschooled (in part, because of my bad experience with public school growing up.) When our family has participated in public school classes and activities in Menomonie, the girls didn’t have any problems with bullying at all.

My high school age son, however, has experienced at least mild “bullying” every time he has been a part of public school activities. Every sport. Summer school. Not major bullying. Not enough that he wouldn’t want to keep choosing to participate. Some people were bigger than him; some were smaller. Just people messing with him. A little push or threat. Knock the hat off. What-ya-gonna-do-bout-it? It reminds me of animals establishing their alpha-status. Or maybe this is just how males, stereotypically less able with words and emotions, try to communicate and make friends.

The official school response to bullying seems to be:

• Make posters and tshirts and have assemblies telling students that bullying is bad (duh.)
• Tell kids to tell their friends to stop bullying people (does that work?)
• Tell an adult (who will help you HOW!?)

My mother tried to help me by intervening when I was being threatened. I guess it somewhat worked. The threatening stopped. That solution never felt right to me though. 

The most interesting response to bullying I have ever seen is Veggie Tales’ Junior Asparagus in the Bully Trouble episode (on the Minnesota Cuke and the Search for Samson’s Hairbrush DVD.) A playground bully told Junior and his young vegetable friends that they could not play at the park or they would get beaten up. Junior’s response was to go with his friends, in defiance, to the park and tell the bully he could beat Junior up but Junior would keep coming back to the park and the bully would have to keep beating him up. And Junior’s friends agreed the bully would have to keep beating them up, too. Presumably such an epic smack-down would take more energy than the bully wanted to expend. Junior then offered the bully his friendship and the bully accepted.

I have historically been a total pacifist. Jesus says we should turn the other cheek. When Jesus turned the other cheek, though, he did it as a CHOICE and that was what made the action noble and holy. Is it noble and holy to be a punching bag because you aren’t able or allowed to defend yourself?

My opinions of pacifism have changed for two reasons.

• At this time, when perhaps we need it the most, healthy manhood is being attacked in our culture.
• I have a son who, in spite of my pacifist influence, reacts to a physical challenge very differently than my daughters. 

“Masculinity” is not toxic. Our families need strong fathers. Remember that the second half of the much-hated speech by St. Paul in Ephesians 5 (after “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord.”) tells husbands to “love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her . . .” Loving a wife the way Christ loved the Church is not for cowards! It is not a mamby-pamby, sit-on-the-couch-drinking-beer kind of love. It is a fighting love. A working hard love. A protecting love. A sacrificial love. That is masculinity and it is NOT TOXIC. 

Practically speaking, if my son slugged someone or pushed back in self-defense he might be able to dissuade bigger kids from using him as a playtoy and the butt of jokes. This might give him the confidence and self-respect he needs to fight the bigger battles our culture needs men to be able to fight now and in the future. But I don’t think our public education system or legal system makes allowances for retaliation by students in self-defense -- or for having a fair fight in an alpha battle. 

As the battle in our culture and in our Church becomes more and more obvious and inescapable, we need to be preparing our sons for battle and to do hard things. And maybe to get punched in the chops a few times and to get back up again. How can we raise up our sons into men who are willing and able to use the strength and skills they are wired with to defend their countries, families, communities and faith?

I wonder if there is enough consideration for physical self-defense in our country's public schools. Just some thoughts. Your respectful comments are welcome.